In the Lonely Hour

 

In a previous post, I discussed my feelings when I first heard Kanye West’s album, 808's and Heartbreak. 808's came out when I was still 19 and I didn't have the life experience to appreciate heartbreak in the powerful, sometimes tortured way that West describes it. However, at 25, I've seen enough. I know what it's like to tell the person who you loved that you don't want to talk to them ever again because it hurts to hear their voice. I know what it's like to try to rebound from it. I know what it's like to be rejected because I'm too young, the wrong color, too passive, too forward or for no reason given at all. I know what it's like to cope in ways that aren't healthy at all. With the benefit of hindsight, I know what it's like to laugh at those moments, too. Sam Smith's well done LP, In the Lonely Hour isn't about the funny parts of a romantic dissolution. It's about the vulnerable, wretched, pathetic, feeling of being unwanted.

The lead single "Money On My Mind" is the beginning and end of the upbeat portion of the LP. When I first heard the song, I only caught the lively exterior and missed the lyrics altogether. Listening to it after hearing the rest of the album, I wonder if the thing he's doing "for the love" isn't creating music, but the creation of this album. The album varies in tone from stirring songs like "Stay With Me" to soft songs where the vulnerability in the lyrics matches the music like "Good Thing". The album isn't just about unrequited love. It's about pathetic vulnerability. In some ways, the presence of the lead single makes more sense if I tweak my interpretation of the lyrics from "making music for the love of it" to "making this album because of love" in a romantic sense. I might be reading too much into it though.

All of the songs from 2-10 are variations on a theme (all of this, without a single shoutout to Haydn, apparently). There's a great portion of the song "Good Thing" where he says "And still I never say what I want to say/ I thought I wouldn't need to" followed later by "I put everything out there and I get nothing at all". There's a weird incongruence where he says he's putting everything out there but he's holding back something (That he loves the person). Later, he revisits that feeling in "I've Told You Now", where he tells the person. The existence of the rest of the album shows that it didn't go well. He revisits the idea again in "Not In That Way". The songs are good in their own right and I enjoy the fact that he returns to similar themes (Telling someone you love them when it's not clear they feel the same way). The songs are good in their own right and I enjoy the fact that he returns to a similar theme (telling someone you love them when it's not clear they feel the same way). "Lay Me Down" and "Stay With Me" are also similar lyrically. "Like I Can" may as well be the B-Side of "Leave Your Lover".

In the Lonely Hour touches on all of the tiny details of feeling heartbroken. All of the album seems to take place while the emotions are still raw. The album sits in a period of implied rejection without any explicit rejection. This album doesn't have the most varied topics. It's a bit obsessive, running through what could have been with what seems to be a single person. But where other albums by weaker artists would falter, In the Lonely Hour is carried by the strength of Sam Smith's vocals and the music that support his vocals. It also helps that the album is only 10 songs long, a manageable 32 minutes. Sam Smith has other songs that show that he can sing about other things, but this album shows the power of what music can sound like when you're singularly focused.

NBA: Love in a hopeless place.

 

“We found love in a hopeless place” – Rihanna

I didn’t think my night would go this way. Last night, I went back to the Dark Horse for the first time in a while to watch a couple of College basketball games. After watching a few minutes of Duke play I decided that Jahlil Okafor will be an all-star for the rest of his life. Then I saw Kentucky play and decided that the college basketball season is already over. But college basketball isn’t really my thing. The NBA is my one true love. A wise (and happily married) man once told me that you know that she’s the one when you can enjoy being with them when there’s nothing to do. No big plans, no amazing date, just a regular Tuesday night in your living room. I’ll watch college basketball when the best teams (or players) are playing. I’ll watch and enjoy the NBA even when the dregs of the Eastern Conference are going against each other.

Tonight was going to be an unmemorable night. I started my night by watching the Sixers and Celtics. Nothing stood out to me. The better team (a phrase which when used here means “Not the Sixers”) won the game comfortably. I could have turned to the Mavericks/Wizards game, but I’ve watched a lot of both teams and I didn’t feel compelled to see them tonight. Then I got an alert on my phone that the Nets-Bucks game was close. Sure, I could watch good teams, but since I already devoted part of my night to watching bad teams, why wouldn’t I continue.

I haven’t followed much of the Bucks or the Nets this year but there were some things that I noticed. First, if the playoffs started today, the Bucks would be have home court advantage. The Nets would have a lottery pick. This is the opposite of how things should have been. When the game went into overtime I was intrigued. Second, I realized that this game was Jason Kidd’s homecoming, his first game back in Brooklyn since his ignonimous exit last year. (I also realized that I still can’t remember that that the Nets play in Brooklyn now). Seeing the game enter OT seemed appropriate.

The end of overtime seemed to end as many Nets games had. The game was tied and the home team had the ball. Everyone in the arena knew that Joe Johnson would get the ball. Everyone in the arena knew Joe Johnson would take the last shot. And everyone knew that he would hit it.

Brandon Knight didn’t get the message. Joe Johnson was mobbed as soon as he touched the ball and when he tried to pass the ball out to another player Brandon Knight stole it easily. He then ran down the court with no one in range. With Bogdanavich a bit too slow to catch Knight, Knight had an easy game winning layup to take

http://giphy.com/gifs/milwaukee-bucks-joe-johnson-brandon-knight-5xaOcLrJIq5I6zQdGKY

Of course, he missed the shot and the game went into Double Overtime.

In Double OT, the Nets had a 3 point lead when Brandon Knight hit the game tying three. Again, the Nets had the ball with the ability to send the Brooklyn crowd home happy. Again the Nets couldn’t connect leading to the first triple OT game of the season. The Bucks finally handled business and finished the game, handing the Nets the most brutal of losses.

There’s no such thing as a bad night of NBA basketball for me and even on a night where I’m watching bad teams play basketball, there are things to enjoy. Kevin Martin hit 7 threes and led the night in scoring. Kobe Bryant is firing uncontrollably into the night. Reggie Jackson and Brandon Knight both went 5/20 from the field. Zach Randolph had an 18 and 18 double-double. Larry Sanders played 14 minutes in a triple overtime game.

Heat number one -Just as we expected

The first week of the NBA has been filled with conclusions drawn from a tiny sample size. Teams have only played 2-4 games. There are some interesting things happening in the league.

"The NBA is so FRUSTRATING.  The same teams win AGAIN  and AGAIN. Another year and again the Heat have the number one seed in the east." Aside from my internet commenter impression, small sample sizes have the Miami Heat as the number one seed yet again. They aren't dead, even after losing LeBron to Cleveland

Klay Thompson got paid. Also, Klay Thompson is the leading scorer in the NBA.

As of Monday morning, the New Orleans Pelicans were number one in blocks and rebounds.

After withdrawing from FIBA, due to fear of injury, Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant are each out for at least the first month of the season.

Speaking of FIBA, Rudy, DeMarcus and Klay all have had amazing performances so far.

Who ya got: Anthony Davis 27/17/9 or Demarcus Cousins 34/20/4? (Pts/rebs/blks) They were drafted in most fantasy leagues as the number one power forward and number one center respectively. Anyone who has either is satisfied.

John Wall is second in assists. People to be confused about his point guard skills. He led last year and continues to dominate the assist category.  Perhaps all the years of him being the leader of awful Washington teams led to a misevaluation of his talents, but he's poised to be a conventional point guard who can also score at will.

Is Perry Jones the best fantasy pickup of the year?

And the NBA unibrow boycott continues

I write to you with competing emotions. On one hand, the fact that the NBA  has willfully chosen not to show Anthony Davis on national television bothers me.  Last night, we were forced to watch Lakers basketball, which moved from sad (thanks to their current roster) to tragic (thanks to a heartbreaking injury to rookie Julius Randle). Meanwhile, on a local affiliate in New Orleans, the unibrowed menace tortured the Magic roster for 4 quarters. But since league pass is free for the week, I was able to watch it and it was amazing

Anthony Davis scored 26 points leading the game. He also had 17 rebounds. He flirted with a dirty triple double with a 9 block performance. Somehow it felt like more, but that may be due to his new teammate, Omer Asik, also having a double double and 5 blocks. The front court is as advertised, although the starting backcourt had a rough night.

Meanwhile, while I was watching two lottery teams, there was a Western Conference playoff rematch between the  Mavericks and the Spurs. The defending champion, San Antonio, received their rings and had a ceremony. They also beat the Mavericks, despite the loss of Kawhi Leonard. It was the closest game of the day with the Spurs winning by one.

While Monta Ellis (26 and 6) and Manu Ginobili (20 and 6) were impressive, the best scouting performance of the night belonged to James Harden against the Lakers. It was a mostly meaningless game that was noncompetitive from the beginning, but the game will be remembered for the Lakers rookie Julius Randle, who broke his leg. Today, confirmation came that he would be out for the season.

Tonight will be opening day for most of the league. The Knicks, Bulls, Thunder and Blazers will all have a chance to shine on the national stage. I hope it's as good as last night was. #twss

NBA: 2013-2014 Requiem

As the 2014-15 season begins, let’s not forget about last season. Here's a couple of stats from last year’s efforts (or lack thereof)

1.   The Biggest “trillions” (Minutes played with no other stats collected) in 2013-14? KCP and Perry Jones who had both a 10 trillion performance.

2.   Shooting a basketball is really difficult. On the other hand, you can't be Andrew Bynum who shot 11 Attempts and hit nothing in a game for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

3.   The Rudy Gay era in Toronto was bound to end. Rudy Gay is seen as an inefficient scorer, and in 2013-14 he had the most field Goal Attempts in a game at an insane 37 attempts. In true Rudy Gay form, he hit only 11 of them for a pitiful 29%. After Rudy Gay was sent to Sacramento, the guy who replaced him, Terrance Ross, had an insane 51 point game

4.  The Bobcats (now Hornets) finally made the playoffs for the first time in a long time. The Cats had a game against the defending champion Heat where their leading scorer, Al Jefferson had 38 points and 19 rebounds. Everyone else remembers that game as the Lebron 61 point game.

5.     The Bobcats may be responsible for the 2 best individual games in the league, (Lebron's 61, and Carmelo Anthony's 62) but the defensive juggernaut Lakers are responsible for the 3 worst defensive performances, allowing 145 to the Rockets, 143 to the Timberwolves and 142 to the Clippers. All of these were in regulation games.

6.     John Wall led the league in total assists. You can keep your conventional point guards, Wall gets results.

7.     Anthony Davis has become my favorite player in the league. I've watched an insane amount of Pelicans basketball in 2013-14 because of him. In his second year he led the league in blocks per game, which was predictable. Less predictable was that he finished in the top 5 of PER. He finished the year averaging a double-double. I haven't decided whether I'm more impressed with the near 5 by 5 (missed by an assist) or the 9 block game or the 40 and 20 against Boston.

8.     Steph Curry had a great year, next year I'm sure he would prefer not to start with an 11 turnover game like he did in 2013-14 on Halloween.

9.   Every year the draft comes around and around 60 players come into the league. In order for them to come in other players have t go and in 2013-14 there were many players who are no longer in the league who I didn't even notice were absent. Emeka Okafor, Javale Mcgee and Jason Richardson didn't play a minute in 2013-14 due to injury.  Marcus Camby, Rasheed Wallace and Grant Hill didn't play a minute last year. Role players like Josh Howard, Rodrique Beaubois and Andris Biedrins didn't play 100 minutes in the league in 2013-14. DeAndre Liggins and Lamar Odom didn't return due to varying sets of legal troubles. The saddest of these is of course, Brandon Roy who, if healthy would have been the best shooting guard in the league in 2013-14.

10. Jason Collins played 172 minutes. He had more fouls than field goal attempts. After a bit of excitement in his first couple of games, he proceeded to set hard fouls in obscurity, just as it should be.

11. Michael Carter Williams should have gone on the court with a ski mask when he played against the defending champion Miami Heat. He had a near quadruple double attaining 22 points, 7 rebounds, 12 assists, and an insane 9 steals. This was in his second career game.

12. The Suns had a 41 point scorer in Gerald Green.  Seriously.

13. I mentioned a lot of insane scoring performances from players you wouldn't expect those kinds of performances from. None were more surprising than Corey Brewer, who scored 51 points. During the rest of the season he never scored more than 27 points.

14. It goes without saying that the stars of the Thunder do EVERYTHING for the team. Kevin Durant led the league in points per game and only missed the last game of the season. He was also the only unanimous All team NBA player. He also led the league in usage percentage. Once the playoffs started the league leader in triple doubles was Russell Westbrook with 3. He's also the only player in the playoffs who had any.

15. The Basketball Players who've come from New York City have a history of being erratic, selfish and other perjorative terms (Artest/World Peace, Telfair, Starbury).  The Crown jewel of NYC basketball has to be Lance Stephenson who led the Pacers in assists per game despite nominally being a shooting guard and he led the entire league in triple doubles. If he didn't also lead the league in gif's where he blew in Lebron's ear he'd get more respect.

16. Doc Rivers forced his way into LA to work for the guy that everyone familiar with the NBA was more than certain was a racist. By the end of the year Donald Sterling was the guy that EVERYONE knew was a racist. There is no further evidence of how valuable owning an NBA team is that a black head coach would look at working for Donald Sterling and see that as a good option. Also, Jamal Crawford made the class of 2000 proud by finally winning a 6th man of the year award.

17. When MCW and Oladipo met it was clear that these two players would be fighting for the ROY award. In that meeting, they each had their first career triple doubles.

18. The Bucks were trying to win in 2013-14. I'm glad that they won the second pick. The basketball gods have smiled upon their lack of actual tanking and rewarded their natural mediocrity.

19. Paul Millsap's contract with the Hawks is insane. How did no one in the league offer Millsap more money than 9 million?

20. Only in Miami can 4 straight NBA finals appearances be considered a disappointment. Only against the Spurs can a team that was considered a "superteam" be unfavorably compared to the 2007 Cleveland Cavaliers

21. The secret to tanking is to set up the moves before the season starts, that way your fans have no expectations. The Utah Jazz did it by obtaining Richard Jefferson and Andris Biedrins in a trade before the season started. Jamaal Tinsley started 5 games. I guarantee that you will be one of the worst teams in the NBA if you do this. Utah fired their head coach at the end of the season.

22. The Kings are a laughingstock for good reason. If you asked before the seasons started, what team would be most likely to trade for Rudy Gay, they would have been in the top 3. Good job, Kings. Meanwhile, in positive news, DeMarcus Cousins had a career season. He shot nearly 50%, averaged 22 and 11 and blocked more shots than ever before. He made less than 5 million dollars.

23. Kyle Lowry wasn't an all-star in 2013-14. Kobe Bryant, who brought little more to the Lakers than his bloated 30 million dollar salary was. For those of you who hate fan voting, this should be all the evidence you need. James Harden not being voted as a starter, despite being the best shooting guard in the league (and certainly the best for the purposes of an all offense, zero defense exhibition game) is insane.  

24. Timofey Mozgov had 29 rebounds in a game in 2013-14. Still, seeing Mozgov hit a three pointer live was the most surprising thing I've seen from him.

25. Patrick Ewing coached a game for the Bobcats in 2013-14. They lost. He still doesn't have a head coaching job and I haven't even heard that he was in the running for one.

26. Kyle Korver set the record for most consecutive games with a three pointer at 127.

27. The Rockets lost a game in 2013-14 where they scored 73 points in the first half. They scored 19 in the second, which isn't easy to do. There were 13 occasions in 2013-14 where a team scored 73 points or less in the entire game.

28. Rondo, in the limited time that he appeared in an NBA uniform, had a game where he had 18 assists. 

29. The Grizzlies are an offensively challenged bunch. They won a game where they shot one free throw.

30. I was really impressed with Derrick Rose when I saw him play in Denver in 2013-14. He seemed to be moving incredibly well. The next Game, he got hurt and was out for the season. Russell Westbrook had a triple double when I saw him against the Knicks on Christmas Day. He missed the next month or so with an injury. I was excited to see Anthony Davis live against the Nuggets when he came to town. He hit 3 jumpers and left at halftime with back spasms. He was limited in his next game and didn't play again for the rest of the season. 

Success

"At God’s footstool, to confess, 

A poor soul knelt and bowed his head.

'I failed,' he cried.
The master said,

'Thou didst thy best. That is success." - John Wooden

As I was getting ready to post that quote on Facebook, I found out that the bar results posted early and immediately left Facebook. My philosophy is that if things went well or poorly, someone would let me know. I'm satisfied with the work that I did this year. I've gone from rock bottom, to therapy to bring able to fight through the summer to study for the exam.

Near the end of my last year of law school, I had a conversation with a law clerk about the pressure of succeeding. What if things go wrong? What if I can't afford to take the exam? What if I fail it? His response was that I'm already a success. At the time, I was at a really low point in my self esteem and his short, simple response meant a lot to me.

This morning, one of my co workers took me aside to pray. I told him earlier this week that the results were coming today. He had no reason to believe that I was a person of faith, but he said that he felt it in his spirit this morning to do so. Coincidentally , (if you believe such things to be coincidental) last night, I was wondering how to pray about the day. I felt that if any day were a good day to pray, today would be that day. I figured praying for results would not be the right thing (I took the test 2 months ago after all) , so I decided to pray for strength. This morning's prayer was much of the same.

One of my best friends texted me and let me know the results. (Which is much better than coldly wondering if they somehow misspelled your name, I guarantee it). At this point, I'm glad to know. (If the Wooden quote was too subtle and I've buried the lede here, I failed the Colorado bar exam) I won't pretend that I'm somehow above the fray here. It sucks. But it's not like I'm the first person in this position and sadly not the last. (Because I have yet to check the list I don't even know if I'm the only one). But between the Wooden quote and the law clerk's commentary, I feel better than I would have other wise.

I've done a lot just to get to this point. I've made a lot of sacrifices to get here and I've had a lot of wins on the way. I've helped dozens of clients, I've written things that I'm proud if. I've done great research for myself and others. I've moved across the country after never visiting anywhere west of Pennsylvania. I've met amazing people in Colorado.

As it currently stands, I know 3 things.

I have great family and friends who've been supportive of me in every imaginable way over the last 3 years and beyond.

I still have my great view of the mountains.

And the grind continues.

If They Gunned Me Down

https://ametia.files.wordpress.com/2014/08/michael-brown.jpg

After living at home in New York City for my first 22 years, I decided to live on my own for the first time when I went to law school. I moved to Boulder, Colorado seeking a change of pace from the hustle and aggression of New York City. I've been away for 3 years.

My mom still worries about me.

When I visited home during the winter break of my third year of law school I stayed for a month. One night, I came home pretty late, sometime around 3AM. When I went upstairs to check on her, she was awake. I went into her room and we talked for a while.

During our conversation, we heard the loud, low buzz of a police helicopter flying overhead. You know it's a police helicopter, because that's the only thing that's flying around that late at night. With a solemnity that I'm not used to, she said "I'm glad you're home"

I smiled it off, because she always has and always will worry about me when I'm not there. I've always thought, there was never a reason to worry about me. I've got good friends who've always steered me clear of trouble. I've got a clean record without so much as a driving infraction on it. I've spent most of my time either at home or in a library.

The older I get, the more I understand that none of these things actually matter.

The older I get, the more I understand that I'm still at risk of being a target, wherever I go. I remember an incident at a McDonald's while I was in college. While I was eating my breakfast sandwich, two cops strolled in. They walk in and stop right in front of me. One officer immediately puts his hand on his holstered gun. The other one asks me for my ID. I can't possibly imagine why I'm being stopped, but I comply with the officer's request. I put down the sandwich. I let him know that I'm reaching for my wallet. I reach in and hand him my driver's license and my John Jay College ID. I told him that I'm a student there. The entire time I'm trying to focus on the officer asking me questions while looking at the officer with his hand on his gun. People in the building watch me and the officers, assuming who knows what. After a second, they return my ID, said that they thought I was truant in a mumbled tone and leave. Just a simple stop in New York City. There was no reason to believe that I was doing anything wrong, a show of force, but at least they let me go. I'm one of the lucky ones.

At least I didn't get shot that day. When I was younger I was aware of the story of Amadou Diallo (shot 41 times, unarmed, police claimed he was reaching for a gun). In high school, there was Sean Bell (the day before his wedding, police shot his car 50 times, unarmed). Those are just the New York stories and even then, the ones that were publicized. That doesn't include the many unnamed people who have been bruised and battered at the hands of officers using excessive force. That doesn't include the people who have been killed whose names I will never know because the media didn't see fit to report it. That doesn't include the long history in this country of people who look like me who have been killed by law enforcement for no reason at all.

When I was younger, the victims were always older. Now that I'm 25, in the demographic of young black and male, ripe for being mistreated. What's worse is the character assassinations that happen after a killing. People ask "Why would the police do this?" The media responds in kind, presenting pictures of the victim that attempt to justify the unjustifiable. There's a search for a story, a tidbit, anything that can justify the homicide at the hand of law enforcement. Maybe it's a school suspension for marijuana use. Maybe it's that the victim has tattoos. Maybe they just look thuggish, whatever that means.
When I was a first year law student, I remember leaving the school after a long day of classes. As I depart the wonderful confines of Wolf Law, a lady stares at me. She then looks at her companion and says, matter-of-factly "There's so many thugs here". This is in Boulder, Colorado. I don't even look in her direction and proceed to walk away.

For the record, at the time, I weighed just over 150 lbs, I was about 6 feet tall and I was carrying a heavy Torts textbook. I was also black at the time, as I always am. If that's your definition of thug, there's nothing I can do to change your frame of reference.

When I look at Ferguson, Missouri, and see the story of yet another homicide. I'm upset and sad. It's another unarmed kid whose name I shouldn’t know. This kid, Michael Brown, was supposed to be starting college this week, in a world where many black men don't. He had no criminal record. From reports, he's a prototypical "nice guy". And now he's dead. Killed in cold blood. Since then there have been protests and law enforcement has responded with more excessive shows of force, swat gear and wrongfully arresting reporters.

I remember after the Trayvon Martin death, when people had pictures and Facebook statuses saying "I am Trayvon Martin".

I am NOT Mike Brown. I got to go to college and graduate. When I graduated from law school, my mom got to visit me. She was able to come to my apartment, go to the campus and see the man I've become. She got to see me walk across the stage and interact with classmates who I respect and who respect me. I get to write Facebook statuses about my success and failures as I transition from being a boy to a man. When I see people asking "#IfTheyGunnedMeDown What picture will they use", it's a thought exercise and a hypothetical, not something that has actually happened to me. But most importantly I woke up this morning with a new day to succeed and fail again.

Even if the police in Ferguson, MO are reprimanded and "brought to justice", none of that will bring Michael Brown back. None of that will bring a son back to his now grieving mother. None of that will allow him to smile and say I'll be fine as he goes off to school. Michael Brown won't get those opportunities. His life will always be a life snuffed out too soon.

And it hurts…