Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson

"My years of struggling against inequality, abusive power, poverty, oppression, and injustice had finally revealed something to me about myself. Being close to suffering, death, executions, and cruel punishments didn't just illuminate the brokenness of others; in a moment of anguish and heartbreak, it also exposed my own brokenness. You can't effectively fight against abusive power, poverty inequality, illness, oppression, or injustice, and not be broken by it.

We are all broken by something. We have all hurt someone and have been hurt. We all share the condition of brokenness even if our brokenness is not equivalent." - Bryan Stevenson

Just Mercy is a book about Bryan Stevenson, a defense attorney who founded the Equal Justice Initiative in Alabama. The book largely centers around the Bryan Stevenson's defense of Walter McMillian, a framed, innocent man on death row. Stevenson works tirelessly to defend him and other clients who seek his help to avoid execution or have their sentences reduced.

Stevenson's strength is in his expression of vulnerability. Stevenson describes how taxing it is to do the work of defending people, and more importantly, he describes the terror of failure. His description of going to death row as one of his clients was executed is heartbreaking, even though the client was guilty of a crime. His account of waiting, compassion and frustration is painstaking. Stevenson astutely points out, "Some state officials expressed happiness and excitement that an execution had taken place, but I knew that none of them had actually dealt with the details of killing [Stevenson's client]".

The book is powerful. Stevenson comes across the paths of many interesting people from a Vietnam veteran to a prison guard with a truck draped in Confederacy memorabilia to Rosa Parks. Parks humorously and poignantly responds to Stevenson's description of himself and his work by saying "Ooooh honey, all that's going to make you tired, tired, tired." "That's why you've got to be brave, brave, brave."

Just Mercy resonated with me because I can relate to a lot of the things that Stevenson points out. Early in the book, he uses W.E.B. Dubois's "The Coming of John" to describe his own life. He talks about John (and himself) as the hope of a community. Stevenson talks about the fact that his family doesn't include many college or high school graduates and that even though the people in his community don't ask him for anything he still felt "a debt accumulating". I also sometimes feel the burden of that "debt."

When I left defense work, I didn't have the type of bravery that Rosa Parks discusses. I observed a young defendant with great lawyers go to jail for life with no chance of parole and I decided that I no longer wanted to do that work. I wasn't worn out because losing affects the ego of lawyers. I was worn out because of the pain of knowing that people were going to spend long times in prison and the limits of what I could do to help. I have a lot of respect for the people who have the bravery to lose cases and go back for the next client and the next one. I have quite a few friends who work in the field of criminal defense that are fighting through that struggle every day. For a number of reasons, I decided that I didn’t' want to fight that fight any longer.

Perhaps I'll continue to find jobs where I'm far away from those struggles. I enjoyed doing anti-money laundering work because bank statements don't cry, don't spend birthdays in jail, and don't worry about family members. But, as painful as the work is, I still sometimes long to help people, as an attorney or through another career path. Maybe I'll get over the weaknesses that prevent me from returning. As Stevenson writes, "Sometimes I forget that we all need mitigation at some point."

California Grand Juries and other things that make me uneasy

Hello, old friend.

So, about 8 months ago, I stopped writing here. I wrote a piece about Freddie Gray and halted publishing future blog posts. It was a painful thing to read about and an excruciating thing to write about. I’m back because I’m thinking something through that requires more than a Facebook paragraph, so bear with me.

So the short version is as follows: In August, Gov. Brown of California signed into law a measure that ended the use of grand jury proceedings in California in police deadly force cases. I missed it and I think it’s interesting, so I'm writing about it now.

To be clear, here’s the Wikipedia definition of a grand jury,

"A grand jury is a legal body that is empowered to conduct official proceedings to investigate potential criminal conduct and to determine whether criminal charges should be brought. A grand jury may compel the production of documents and may compel the sworn testimony of witnesses to appear before it."

Grand juries exist largely to show that a prosecutor is capable of proving that a defendant committed a crime. At their best, they weed out cases that shouldn't go to trial. A large majority of cases that go to grand jury will go to trial. There are no defense attorneys in a grand jury proceeding, so this is an easy burden for prosecutors to overcome.

However, in some recent high profile cases, grand juries have failed to indict police officers, essentially saying “No, you do not have enough evidence to indict the police officer for committing a crime.”  This upsets people who believe that the police officer(s) in question committed a crime.

Many states allow prosecutors to bring cases to grand juries. Some people view this as a way to ensure that the police officer in question won’t get indicted, while taking the pressure off of the prosecutors office to take the case to trial. If the grand jury fails to indict, then the case cannot be taken to trial.

The California Law makes me uneasy because:

1) Reducing opportunities to to ward off unwinnable cases makes me upset. Yes, I post a lot about police misconduct and behavior I view to be police misconduct, but it doesn’t mean that we should strip their rights away as defendants.  This might be unpopular in some circles, but accused police are defendants, too. If we take rights and opportunities away from accused police, why not John Doe defendant. This isn’t really a slippery slope, it’s the next stop on the train.

2) I don’t think that this change in law solves the problem that it purports to solve. If we think that prosecutors are losing in the grand jury because they are “not trying to win”, then trial isn’t going to solve that problem. I don’t think that it’s unfair to assume that because prosecutors offices depend heavily on police to investigate crimes, that they might be unwilling to convict people that they work hand in hand with. I don’t think that this bill solves that problem. It would also be difficult to solve that problem. Also, maybe I’m naïve, but lawyers HATE losing cases. I don’t think that prosecutors intentionally losing at the grand jury level happens that often. I can imagine that a prosecutor’s heart may not be into it in the same way that they would if they were prosecuting a serial rapist, for example.

3) If we think that prosecutors are trying and failing to convince the average person that a police officer committed an illegal action, what do you think is going to happen in trial?  Now, there’s a defense attorney, ready with arguments, witnesses and objections. If prosecutors aren’t able to indict, how will they possibly be expected to convict?

So what do you think? Am I misguided here?



The changes, in full:

"THE PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA DO ENACT AS FOLLOWS:
SECTION 1. Section 917 of the Penal Code is amended to read:
917. (a) The grand jury may inquire into all public offenses committed or triable within the county and present them to the court by indictment.
(b) Except as provided in Section 918, the grand jury shall not inquire into an offense that involves a shooting or use of excessive force by a peace officer described in Section 830.1, subdivision (a) of Section 830.2, or Section 830.39, that led to the death of a person being detained or arrested by the peace officer pursuant to Section 836.


SEC. 2. Section 919 of the Penal Code is amended to read:
919. (a) The grand jury may inquire into the case of every person imprisoned in the jail of the county on a criminal charge and not indicted.
(b) The grand jury shall inquire into the condition and management of the public prisons within the county.
(c) The grand jury shall inquire into the willful or corrupt misconduct in office of public officers of every description within the county. Except as provided in Section 918, this subdivision does not apply to misconduct that involves a shooting or use of excessive force by a peace officer described in Section 830.1, subdivision (a) of Section 830.2, or Section 830.39, that led to the death of a person being detained or arrested by the peace officer pursuant to Section 836."

Midnight in Baltimore

"The Baltimore Police Department will be an organization that maintains the highest standards of ethics, integrity, and accountability." - Baltimore Police Department Mission Statement

I won't lie. I'm weary. At the time that I pulled myself out of bed to write this post, it was about 10 PM local time, MDT. I'm reading about the case and following people's reactions on Twitter. I'm stressed out and I've been rubbing the part of my head where my the big forehead that I inherited from my mom and the male pattern baldness that I inherited from my father collide. In Colorado, a 25 year old black guy hunches over his laptop to write, again.

In Baltimore, Maryland, Freddie Gray was laid to rest. When my mom asked me about him this afternoon, the details got fuzzy. Was he the guy who was shot on tape? No, that was Walter Scott in South Carolina. Was he the one that was shot by the officer who thought he was using a stun gun? No that was Eric Harris in Oklahoma. Freddie Gray was the guy who got his spine broken during a transport. The details all make me weary.

Freddie Gray was in the back of a police van. He was arrested for carrying a switchblade. He was being transported without a seatbelt. What is also undisputed is that he suffered a severe spinal injury. He's dead.

I can't ignore the story. Even though I don't have cable right now, the story crept into the ESPN app. During the Orioles game on Saturday, the fans were told not to leave at the games end because protesters and police were fighting. My Twitter feed is filled with the thoughts of those who were more brave than I. My Twitter feed is usually preoccupied by sports, but many people have weighed in. Some tweets are in favor of the police, and they use passive voice to describe the spinal injury, so as not to place blame on the people who failed to put Freddie Gray in a seatbelt. Some tweets are in favor of the protestors justifying that cars have been destroyed and parts of a city are on fire. I'm wearied.

I'm going to copy and paste the statement given by the Orioles COO, John Angelos. On the other side of the keyboard, I'm taking a cookie break. Writing this post at one time takes a lot out of me, and I'm exhausted.

"The innocent working families of all backgrounds whose lives and dreams have been cut short by excessive violence, surveillance, and other abuses of the Bill of Rights by government pay the true price, and ultimate price, and one that far exceeds the importances of any kids’ game played tonight, or ever, at Camden Yards. We need to keep in mind people are suffering and dying around the U.S., and while we are thankful no one was injured at Camden Yards, there is a far bigger picture for poor Americans in Baltimore and everywhere who don’t have jobs and are losing economic civil and legal rights, and this makes inconvenience at a ballgame irrelevant in light of the needless suffering government is inflicting upon ordinary Americans." - John Angelos

On Sunday in the NBA, a player's shoulder was dislocated. Kevin Love was tussling under the rim with Kelly Olynyk. After the play was decided, the two players were still wrapped up. Olynyk continued to pull away at Love. As a result of that action, Kevin Love suffered a dislocated shoulder. He also suffered a ligament/labrum tear and a bone bruise. At worse, Olynyk behaved recklessly and at best acted with gross negligence. In other facets of life, it's so easy to see when someone causes unnecessary harm. When law enforcement is responsible for the harm, it seems that few people care unless there's a smoking gun and a video and a thousand other factors… then maybe they'll side with the dead guy. It's frustrating, and I'm weary.

Of course, in the dead guy playbook, the Baltimore Police have announced that they are investigating the incident, as if the incident happened in an isolated housing project elevator, and not with the police themselves. On the other hand, the officers involved have been suspended, pending the results of that investigation. I don't particularly care whether an arrest happens because there won't be a conviction. I'm not particularly concerned about convictions for police officers because jails do a poor job of rehabilitating people. Worse than that, the treatment that a police officer would receive in jail from other inmates would be a punishment that would make me uncomfortable. The police officers who behaved in a way that caused this man's death should no longer be police officers. It makes weary even considering these future issues.

To be honest about how little I believe in the process right now, the fact that the arrest was controversial didn't even occur to me at first. And when it did, I just sighed. Before I came to law school, I was a criminal justice major. I could study the interactions between police and their citizenry forever and not get bored. I might be exhausted, but never bored. Whether the arrest was routine and lawful or a ruthless violation of the citizen's constitutional rights, I was always curious about the process. After 3 years of law school, where I've watched professors yawn disinterestedly at bad process, listened to classmates annoyed by the audacity of questioning a police report and observed police telling half-truths and whole lies while under oath, I don't even bother anymore. Yes, it would be nice to know what the probable cause was that led to the stop, because it appears that there may not have been any, but those in authority just don't seem to care enough. Every time I talk about bad process in police stops it falls on deaf ears, and trust me, I'm an expert on deaf ears. I still care, I just don't think anyone else does. It wears on me, but I'm not finished.

I'd be remiss in not mentioning the current riots in Baltimore. The decent people of Baltimore are annoyed with years of police mistreatment. Many of them have chosen to go out to the streets and protest. Most of the protests have been peaceful. A minority of people have behaved violently, looting stores, committing arson and attacking police officers. I've seen versions of the King quote about riots, where he describes them as "the language of the unheard." It bothered me that I haven't seen it in its full context.

"Now I wanted to say something about the fact that we have lived over these last two or three summers with agony and we have seen our cities going up in flames. And I would be the first to say that I am still committed to militant, powerful, massive, non­-violence as the most potent weapon in grappling with the problem from a direct action point of view. I'm absolutely convinced that a riot merely intensifies the fears of the white community while relieving the guilt. And I feel that we must always work with an effective, powerful weapon and method that brings about tangible results. But it is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it America has failed to hear? It has failed to hear that the plight of the negro poor has worsened over the last twelve or fifteen years. It has failed to hear that the promises of freedom and justice have not been met. And it has failed to hear that large segments of white society are more concerned about tranquility and the status quo than about justice and humanity." - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The quote, in short, says that riots weren't MLK's thing. His life was committed to nonviolence. But he didn't fully condemn riots either, because he understood that to ignore riots is to ignore the conditions that make people feel that they have no other options. He doesn't just call riots the language of the unheard but he also describes the things that haven't been heard, namely the promise of freedom and justice that has gone unmet along with the segments of society that aren't listening. He said this approximately a month before he was violently killed. He said this after more than a decade of being violently threatened and attacked by city, state and federal officers. He said this after a lifetime of living in the Jim Crow South. If I'm weary from living in New York, where my absolute worst interactions with the NYPD would qualify as a good day for King, I know he must have been weary too.

One of my favorite columns that used to run was "Dead Wrestler of the Week" by David Shoemaker who wrote under the name "The Masked Man." I loved his work. Sporadically, he would write about wrestlers who died early, untimely deaths. The deaths occurred too often for comfort as many died in their 30's and 40's. Even for something as comparatively light as wrestling, Shoemaker had to be worn out after a certain point. He loves wrestling like I love the study of criminal justice and it has to be exhausting to write about the darkest portion of the topics you love. However, even though the work is exhausting, I also understand that there is power in writing about it. Somebody is going to read this. Maybe it influences someone’s thinking. Perhaps it will help sharpens someone’s argument about the incidents in one direction or another. I’m not always comfortable using my voice, but I do have one and for important topics, it is important for me to use it. I got a series of text messages last night that reminded me of that.

I have nothing left to give you. My eyes are red. My head hurts. I'm inconsolably sad. When I first started writing this post, it was midnight in Baltimore. Now the time approaches 5 AM on the east Coast, when the curfew will end. We'll have to see what happens next.

It destroys me on the inside to see that again, I'm writing about a dead kid. It crushes me that, again there's a dead kid to write about. I’m ending this by copying the closing from my Mike Brown post and adding brackets to replace Mike's name with the next guy's name. It's all I have left.

"Even if the police in [Baltimore, Maryland] are reprimanded and "brought to justice", none of that will bring [Freddie Gray] back. None of that will bring a son back to his now grieving mother. None of that will allow him to smile and say I'll be fine as he goes off to school. [Freddie Gray] won't get those opportunities. His life will always be a life snuffed out too soon.

And it hurts…"

Rainy daze

It's another Sunday. I try to be productive on Sundays because I rarely have other plans or responsibilities on Sunday mornings. I failed today. 

Because I've had a lot of big failures in the last few months, I've become exceptionally risk averse. Any time that there's a small setback, I avoid the action like the plague. Today, I haven't gone outside because it's raining. I wanted to get out of the house, ride my bike, pick up my cable box from Comcast and go food shopping, but it appears that these things are going to wait until tomorrow. 

Of course, tomorrow, the weather report predicts that there will be rain, again. 

At least I did some research today. I'm working on a big NBA post for Writallin. I'm doing some research on other people whose careers have stalled. I'll have more information about that project later this week. 

As always, thanks for reading. 

NBA: An Ode to The Crestfallen

 

The Milwaukee Bucks, New Orleans Pelicans and Boston Celtics all lost at home tonight for their third playoff lost. These series aren’t over, but a 3-0 deficit has never been overcome in the NBA. None of the teams who played tonight seem likely to change that.

I was dismissive of the Celtics. I underestimated them quite a bit. They might be favored against any other Eastern Conference team from 4-8. Unfortunately, the Cavaliers have been bludgeoning them at every turn. If a series can be summarized in one play, there was a play where Evan Turner went for an aggressive dunk in the 4th quarter that was summarily eliminated by Lebron James. When James got up, he yells at Evan Turner “You tried.”

I feel worse for the Bucks. They’ve played competitive games against the Chicago Bulls. They go home to Milwaukee and meet a crowd that seemed at least 50% filled with Chicago fans. They take the Bulls to double overtime. Then they collapse allowing the Bulls to score 12 straight points in 2OT.I watched a Bucks fan go through the seven stages of grief at a local bar. The Bucks often look like a competent team, but they’ve been star crossed all year. I’m excited about their future, but this year they’ve been simultaneously overachieving and disappointing. Derrick Rose has looked amazing, and hopefully he’ll be healthy during the inevitable second round series against the Cavaliers.

The last game of the night was a reenactment of the Battle of Thermopylae. The New Orleans Pelicans hoped that this was going to be more like the French Revolution where the rebels win. After a close set of games where the Pelicans fought valiantly, they outplayed the Warriors for 36 minutes. They had a 20 point lead against the mighty Warriors. 17 minutes later, the uprising was quelled. New Orleans’ soldiers were slaughtered. New Orleans’ leader was killed. Stephen Curry did everything but raise the Golden State logo over the Smoothie King Center and set New Orleans on fire. And then the Warriors made the comeback official in overtime. The series was over when it was announced, yet each close New Orleans loss still feels painful.

Quickie NBA First Round Preview.

 

Golden State Warriors (1) vs. New Orleans Pelicans (8)

Season Series: 3-1 Warriors
Previous Playoff Meetings: Never
Favorite Connections: Warriors guard Justin Holiday is Pelicans guard Jrue Holiday’s older brother

The Warriors are the best team in the league. They are the best team by far. They finished the year with the second best offensive efficiency and best defensive efficiency. Curry should win the Most Valuable Player Award, since he was the best player in the league and played for the best team in the league. Curry and Klay Thompson are also going to be incredibly fun to watch.

The only NBA merchandise I own is a Pelicans hat. I love watching the plucky team. Anthony Davis is a dirty-triple-double threat throughout the season. He carried the team to this spot. Omer Asik has helped improve the Pelicans post defense. Tyreke Evans has been fun to watch and Eric Gordon has shown flashes of his former self. If healthy, they could have been a sixth seed. They are just playing against the wrong team this year.

Warriors in 5.

 

Los Angeles Clippers (3) vs. San Antonio Spurs (6)

Season Series: 2-2 Even
Playoff Meetings: 2011-12 Conference Semifinals (Spurs 4-0)
Favorite Connections: Doc Rivers played two seasons for the Spurs. When David Robinson scored 71 points at the end of the season, he did it against the Los Angeles Clippers.

The Spurs don’t really die, do they? Even as a sixth seed they are the team that’s second most likely to win according to Vegas. Tim Duncan nearly averaged a double-double at approximately 67 years old. Kawhi Leonard, when healthy, has been amazing.

I can’t help but feel bad for Chris Paul. I think that he’s better than his playoff record would indicate. Chris Paul has never been to the Conference Finals. Most of the reason for this is that he’s played in the West his entire career. This won’t be his year either.

Spurs in 6.

Memphis Grizzlies (5) vs. Portland TrailBlazers (4)

Season Series: 4-0 Memphis
Playoff Meetings: Never.
Favorite Connection: Zach Randolph played for the Trail Blazers during the Jail Blazers era.

LaMarcus Aldridge has been a hero for the Trail Blazers. He suffered an injury during the middle of the year, but rather than opting for surgery, Aldridge played through the pain and helped the Blazers get into the playoffs. With the injury to Wesley Matthews, Aldridge’s sacrifice was necessary. Also, Damien Lillard plays for them. He has a history of showing up in the playoffs.

The Grizzlies have home court advantage because of the NBA’s weird division rule. The Blazers won the 4 seed because they won the Northwest Division. The Grizzlies have a better record and therefore get home court. They also have a better team from top to bottom. They also swept the season series. Recent injuries to Conley, Gasol and Allen concern me, but not enough to shift the balance of the series. 

Grizzlies in 6

Dallas Mavericks (7) vs. Houston Rockets (2)

Season Series: 3-1 Rockets
Playoff Meetings: 2004-05 (4-3 Mavericks Opening Round)
Favorite Connection: Mavericks forward Chandler Parsons was drafted by the Houston Rockets.

Chandler Parsons chose to go to the Mavericks during Free Agency, last summer. It was the first of a couple of major moves that he Mavericks made to make this team better for the playoffs. The Other move was upgrading from Felton to Rajon Rondo. It hasn’t improved their offense, but their defense has improved around Rondo.

Dwight Howard’s health is going to be important this series. The Rockets found their way to the number 2 seed by the strength of their shooting guard, an oddity in the NBA. The team has been injured all year. If Dwight goes down in this series then the Rockets won’t be making a deep run. While I think that the Mavericks might be ripe to upset a lesser team, James Harden might be enough to handle the Mavericks on his own. This will be especially true if Harden gets foul shots at the same insane rate that he did during the season.

Rockets in 7.

 

Atlanta Hawks (1) vs. Brooklyn Nets (8)

Season Series: 4-0 Atlanta
Playoff Meetings: Never.
Favorite Connections: Nets guard Joe Johnson played seven seasons with Atlanta. Atlanta swaps first round picks  with the Brooklyn Nets.

The Nets don’t deserve to be in the playoffs at an embarrassing 38-44. There are no reasons to believe in them as a franchise. They’ve been dysfunctional for as long as they’ve been in Brooklyn. Paul Pierce just called out the team’s top players in a recent interview. I only gave them the dignity of not getting swept because of my belief in Ski Mask Joe and his ability to manhandle a team and hit clutch shots repeatedly.

If the Nets were to beat a team and escape the first round, the path would not go through the Hawks who routed the Eastern Conference this year. Millsap is coming back from a shoulder injury and their best defensive wing, Thabo Sefolosha is out for the year (DNP-NYPD). Even so, I can’t imagine how the Nets win this series. People who don’t believe in the Hawks are in for a rude awakening. They have a lot of talent and they are well coached. They also have the easier side of the Eastern Conference bracket, so if they can stay healthy they have a clear path to the Conference finals.

Hawks in 5.

 

Cleveland Cavaliers (2) vs. Boston Celtics (7)

Season Series: 2-2 Even
Playoff Meetings: 4. Most Recent: 2009-10 (4-3 Boston)
Team Connections: Kendrick Perkins played for the Celtics from 2003-11 and was a member of the 2008 Championship team.

The Celtics are a proud franchise that has not won a playoff series since Kendrick Perkins was traded. They are well coached. Isaiah Thomas is fun to watch.

Look, the Cavaliers are a better team than the Celtics. Cleveland is going to win this series decisively. The season series is 2-2, because the Cavaliers benched star players during the last 2 games. Also, the last time, Lebron was in a Cavaliers uniform in the playoffs, The Celtics beat them. A month later, Lebron took his talents to South Beach. I don’t think that he’s going to take this series lightly. Also, who is supposed to guard Kyrie Irving?

Cavaliers in 4.

 

Chicago Bulls (3) vs. Milwaukee Bucks (6)

Season Series: 3-1 Bulls
Playoff Meetings: 2 (most recently 1989-90 Bulls.)
Connections: Pau Gasol scored 46 points, a career high, against the Bucks this year.

The Bucks are one of the 3 teams I’ve watched live this season. They have height advantages at every position on the court. The Greek Freak has been nothing less than exemplary, improving from his rookie performance. Jason Kidd has proven that he’s a worthy coach and in a different year he might be a Coach of the Year contender. The young Bucks will be feared in the Eastern Conference in a few seasons.

Derrick Rose might be healthy for this series. Even if he isn’t the Bulls have Gasol and Noah who I love as a front court. They have Taj Gibson and Nikola Mirotic behind them. Jimmy Butler, the NBA’s Most Improved player, also plays here. They also have the best coach in the Eastern Conference. The Bucks might be the team of the future, but the Bulls are better right now.

Bulls in 5.

Washington Wizards (5) vs. Toronto Raptors (4)

Season Series: 3-0 Raptors
Playoff Meetings: Never.
Connections: In the 2011 draft, the Wizards picked Jan Vesely. The Raptors picked Jonas Valančiūnas in the previous spot. Jonas is the Raptors’ starting Center. Jan Vesely is no longer in the league.

This is the battle of the poorly coached and guard-centric franchises. They are playing for the right to be sacrificed by the Hawks next round. The Wizards feature John Wall, former 1^st overall pick. He’s the league leader in assists and he’s a deadly scoring option. The Wizards also have Gortat and Nene, a threatening front court combination.

The Raptors feature Lou Williams who has game on and off the court. He’s my favorite for Sixth Man of the Year. Their starters, Kyle Lowry and Demar Derozan, make up among the best backcourts in the league. I think that Canada’s favorite basketball team wins handily.

Raptors in 6.

The world doesn’t need more basketball writers…

 

Often, during nights when I'm trying to go to sleep, I'll think of a quote or a piece of a quote. Then I'll have to figure out where the quote came from. A couple of nights ago, a piece of a quote came to mind. Perhaps it was a poem, or something. In the poem there was something about putting a light under a rock, or not putting a light under a rock, something like that. I spent a couple of minutes trying to figure out who said it and trying to figure out why I couldn't remember it fully.

So I got out of bed and Googled the line. I typed in "light under a" and thanks to Google's magic, I found what I was looking for. The actual line isn't from a poem, it's from the Bible, specifically Matthew 5, verse 15.

For more context, it reads.

14“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.16In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Even though I don't consider myself to be particularly religious, and haven't stepped foot in a church in many years, growing up Christian and attending a Catholic high school has an effect on you. In the jumble of song lyrics, book quotes, and lines from movies that come to mind, occasionally a bible verse or two will pop up. After finding this verse, I wondered ,"Am I letting MY light shine?"

I struggle between two opposing things. On one hand, I take great pride in being a basketball writer. When I go on dates, and someone asks who I am and what I do, that's how I usually identify myself, even when my day job is something different. When interesting stories happen in the world of sports, I’m tempted to pen a thousand words about it. I enjoy explaining things to people. I'm not sure what exactly to do with that skill. When writer's block doesn't betray me, I love writing about the NBA. When writer's block does betray me, I often try anyway. It means a lot of me to explain things in basketball and to “show my work”, explaining why I feel a certain way.

The person who I have to thank for this is my friend Kyle, because after having many discussions with him about basketball, I've written much better things about the game. It's one thing to have an opinion. It's another thing to write a thousand words about why I feel that way. Usually after I'm done, I feel good about the argument, even if people don't agree.

But as much as that makes me feel good, I often wonder if I'm limiting myself. I'm a criminal justice major. I went to law school. For my entire life, people have told me that they think I'm smart. As uncomfortable as that always made me, it's at least somewhat true. There is no field of information that I'm the foremost expert on but I do possess a wide array of knowledge. You can put me in a room with smart people and I'm definitely going to be able hold my own. Am I wasting my talents with blog posts that compare Prometheus with Russell Westbrook?

I also remember what it was like when I had a job that gave me a bit of "Save The World" power. I got a great internship while I was in law school. I gave it my best effort, I worked hard and helped people who needed my help. By the end of that internship, I was in therapy. Until a couple of weeks ago, I never associated those two things. The stress of the job took a huge toll on me. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t eating well. When I went back to school I had a discussion about it with a professor and I told the professor that I was burned out.

It was a few months later when I went out for ice cream with a classmate that I first said aloud that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a lawyer. After saying it aloud to someone who I didn't know well, I felt better about potentially following that path. I wasn't even upset when I studied for, took and failed the bar. When I first started law school, I fully expected that, at 25, I would be a lawyer. I'm okay with the idea that I won't be. The ways that you can help people are important, but the stress, long hours, and alcoholism that are prevalent in the profession bother me.

But now where does that leave me? I'm not sure what I want to do? I would love to know the answer to that question. Part of me loves writing about basketball. Part of me thinks that I should be doing something more. Am I putting my light under a bowl here?

What gives me some solace is other people. Bill Simmons, Matthew Berry and Mike Lupica don't cure cancer. They are, at their core, people who write about sports. Basketball, Football and Baseball, are just games. Fantasy football is a game within a game. But I don't think of them as "Wasting their talent". They are gifted writers. Not because they are objectively good, but because many people subjectively come across their work and decide that their work is good. They've inspired me to write about sports and they inspire me to continue writing about sport.

When I was ready to publish this post, I called Will, one of my friends in NY. When I told him about my conflicted feelings about basketball writing, he responded "But you're still writing." Then, he compared my path to that of a dimmer switch, where the light isn't just on or off but gradually increasing. It’s a comparison that I can live with.

Maybe I could be curing cancer. I'm still passionate about criminal law. I continue to feel at home when I'm in a library. But if twenty years from now, I end up being "just a basketball writer," I can live with that. Perhaps I'll discover larger, more impactful ways to let my light shine that make me happy. Writing about basketball, where people read and enjoy it, might be an acceptable way, too.