Often, during nights when I'm trying to go to sleep, I'll think of a quote or a piece of a quote. Then I'll have to figure out where the quote came from. A couple of nights ago, a piece of a quote came to mind. Perhaps it was a poem, or something. In the poem there was something about putting a light under a rock, or not putting a light under a rock, something like that. I spent a couple of minutes trying to figure out who said it and trying to figure out why I couldn't remember it fully.
So I got out of bed and Googled the line. I typed in "light under a" and thanks to Google's magic, I found what I was looking for. The actual line isn't from a poem, it's from the Bible, specifically Matthew 5, verse 15.
For more context, it reads.
14“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.16In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
Even though I don't consider myself to be particularly religious, and haven't stepped foot in a church in many years, growing up Christian and attending a Catholic high school has an effect on you. In the jumble of song lyrics, book quotes, and lines from movies that come to mind, occasionally a bible verse or two will pop up. After finding this verse, I wondered ,"Am I letting MY light shine?"
I struggle between two opposing things. On one hand, I take great pride in being a basketball writer. When I go on dates, and someone asks who I am and what I do, that's how I usually identify myself, even when my day job is something different. When interesting stories happen in the world of sports, I’m tempted to pen a thousand words about it. I enjoy explaining things to people. I'm not sure what exactly to do with that skill. When writer's block doesn't betray me, I love writing about the NBA. When writer's block does betray me, I often try anyway. It means a lot of me to explain things in basketball and to “show my work”, explaining why I feel a certain way.
The person who I have to thank for this is my friend Kyle, because after having many discussions with him about basketball, I've written much better things about the game. It's one thing to have an opinion. It's another thing to write a thousand words about why I feel that way. Usually after I'm done, I feel good about the argument, even if people don't agree.
But as much as that makes me feel good, I often wonder if I'm limiting myself. I'm a criminal justice major. I went to law school. For my entire life, people have told me that they think I'm smart. As uncomfortable as that always made me, it's at least somewhat true. There is no field of information that I'm the foremost expert on but I do possess a wide array of knowledge. You can put me in a room with smart people and I'm definitely going to be able hold my own. Am I wasting my talents with blog posts that compare Prometheus with Russell Westbrook?
I also remember what it was like when I had a job that gave me a bit of "Save The World" power. I got a great internship while I was in law school. I gave it my best effort, I worked hard and helped people who needed my help. By the end of that internship, I was in therapy. Until a couple of weeks ago, I never associated those two things. The stress of the job took a huge toll on me. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t eating well. When I went back to school I had a discussion about it with a professor and I told the professor that I was burned out.
It was a few months later when I went out for ice cream with a classmate that I first said aloud that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a lawyer. After saying it aloud to someone who I didn't know well, I felt better about potentially following that path. I wasn't even upset when I studied for, took and failed the bar. When I first started law school, I fully expected that, at 25, I would be a lawyer. I'm okay with the idea that I won't be. The ways that you can help people are important, but the stress, long hours, and alcoholism that are prevalent in the profession bother me.
But now where does that leave me? I'm not sure what I want to do? I would love to know the answer to that question. Part of me loves writing about basketball. Part of me thinks that I should be doing something more. Am I putting my light under a bowl here?
What gives me some solace is other people. Bill Simmons, Matthew Berry and Mike Lupica don't cure cancer. They are, at their core, people who write about sports. Basketball, Football and Baseball, are just games. Fantasy football is a game within a game. But I don't think of them as "Wasting their talent". They are gifted writers. Not because they are objectively good, but because many people subjectively come across their work and decide that their work is good. They've inspired me to write about sports and they inspire me to continue writing about sport.
When I was ready to publish this post, I called Will, one of my friends in NY. When I told him about my conflicted feelings about basketball writing, he responded "But you're still writing." Then, he compared my path to that of a dimmer switch, where the light isn't just on or off but gradually increasing. It’s a comparison that I can live with.
Maybe I could be curing cancer. I'm still passionate about criminal law. I continue to feel at home when I'm in a library. But if twenty years from now, I end up being "just a basketball writer," I can live with that. Perhaps I'll discover larger, more impactful ways to let my light shine that make me happy. Writing about basketball, where people read and enjoy it, might be an acceptable way, too.
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