I don’t sleep. When the normal people are going to bed, turning their lights off, preparing their bodies for the next day, I’m awake. I started writing the post at 2 AM MST. I figured moving west would help. It hasn’t.
Moving to Colorado has been a blessing in many ways. Moving 2 time zones west means that my friends can’t enable me anymore. Some of them are night owls too, but they aren’t usually awake at 5 AM NY time when I’m up at 3 AM Denver time. If they are, they aren’t on Xbox live giving me an excuse to stay awake. It also gives me some peace and solace. I’m physically far away from the financial troubles, the losses and the racism that soured my last few years in New York.
Most of the reason why I moved was to get away. I’m a huge fan of the Count of Monte Cristo. In the book, a guy who has it all, a wonderful girlfriend, a great job and limitless potential has it all taken away by people who betray him. He ends up in jail, viewed as a traitor. Then he, through his own skill and will to survive and quite a bit of luck, goes to Monte Cristo and finds a huge fortune. He returns to his home and seeks revenge upon those who betrayed him and to win back the girlfriend he lost.
In more than one obvious way I viewed Colorado, and Colorado Law School as my own Monte Cristo. Obviously, Colorado has mountains, and part of going to law school is for the opportunity to make money. But also, I viewed Colorado as a safe haven. In New York, I couldn’t help myself or anyone else. When I leave Colorado, I’ll have a j.d. and with it, the ability to change lives. I could graduate with my degree and stick it to people who felt I wasn’t worthy of respect because of economic class and race. (A certain set of parents comes to mind) But between then and now, I want to be in a position where I’m not suffering.
Living in my house in NY, with all of the problems it had and no way to fix it was depressing. I knew I couldn’t spend 3 years of law school there. If I’m lucky, I’ll never move back. The experience of studying while the sound of gunshots fills the air (followed by yelling, followed by sirens) is one that strengthened me, but something I’d prefer not to deal with if I could. I used to stay awake at night wishing I could change it, hoping I could fix the issues in my home that I couldn’t do anything about. I was always so stressed. My heatless room, without electricity, the bills that always seemed to increase, the broken stairs and the feeling of being useless kept me up at night.
Even though I’m almost 2,000 miles away, I still stay up at night. Sure, I’m in Colorado and things are good for me. I just finished my first year of law school. My apartment in Boulder is wonderful. I’ve met some great people, and my internship at the Boulder Public Defenders office is fulfilling. But in leaving, I can’t help but to feel that I’ve made other people’s lives worse in the process. My mom and sister are still in that home, in that neighborhood, dealing with the same issues (although neither of them has my old room, thank god). The kids at the library who saw me as a role model and a steadying influence no longer see me around or have me there after school. I’ve done what I always criticized other people for doing. I found success and I left the neighborhood behind. People never bring back their success; they move and never come back. I feel guilty and it keeps me awake once I stop studying and biking and working and gaming.
Perhaps I’m too hard on myself. My ex-girlfriend’s mom described me as like Atlas once, saying that she could tell from my eyes that I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. This is more true than not. I take on responsibility, being the person who does the right thing and tries to lead by example. I don’t engage in a lot of activity because of it. I know I don’t have to be responsible all the time but I can’t help but feel responsible for ensuring the wellbeing of those who surround me. It’s why I don’t drink (gotta make responsible decisions). It’s why I don’t curse on my Facebook wall (gotta ensure that I don’t offend anyone, or at the very least not offend anyone unnecessarily). It’s also why I can’t sleep.
One day I’ll have a restful sleep. Either I’ll find a way to properly balance my need to help people with occasionally behaving selfishly, or I’ll stop caring as much. People have been, are and will be fine without me. Maybe I’ll drown out the voice that says “you have to make sure they get home safely”, when they’ll be fine. Or perhaps, like I have before, I’ll continue to behave as I do and just accept that I’ll be awake thinking about all the things I could be doing.
** COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO SPOILERS**
The protagonist doesn’t find solace in revenge. He certainly gets a lot of revenge, but it isn’t what brings him happiness. Yes I added a spoiler tag for a book that is over a hundred years old, just in case someone wanted to read it and didn’t want the end spoiled (Superego strikes again).
2 comments:
Insomniacs unite!
You can't solve all the worlds problems.You are fighting the good fight no matter which state your bum is located. Sometimes simply sharing your struggles is enough to make a difference. :)
"You is kind. You is smart. You is important."
— Kathryn Stockett (The Help)
Darryl, I really liked this post. I feel like you keep a lot of yourself contained with a happy face on, and this opened up a bit to show the real you. I think if you ask anyone in our class who has the potential to actually make the most change after law school, the unanimous answer is you. If that's what you choose, if you want to return to make a difference, you have all the power to do so. While you may feel guilt now, just focus on the fact that you are gaining the skills to make a more dramatic difference if you want to, more than you could have if you had remained there these three years without getting your j.d.
Fiona
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